The picture above is actually my current view. I am sitting at a picnic table at the lake, enjoying the sun, and trying to relax.
The past few days after the attack have been tough. I thought I’m good, but there’s flashbacks ever day, nightmares and waking up confused and sweaty every night.
You know me. I love being outside. I walk/run the local walking trail almost every day. I hang out at the boat launch at the lake. I’m a happy and carefree preson.
But this attack past Saturday changed that. For now. Yesterday morning I went for a walk, and all of a sadden I heard someone running behind me. My body went into full defense mode, hands into fists, and high alert.
What was it? A woman in her 50s. Jogging.
Another example. We have one guy working out at the gym every once in a while. I think he is homeless, and looking at his face and body, you can tell he either had or has a drug problem. I never had any issues with him. He is polite, I am actually happy when he comes to work out, because it shows me he is doing something good for himself.
Yesterday he walked into the gym… I looked at him, and all I could see was similarities to the guy who attacked me. I charged him for his day pass, but had to go to my office the breathe and count to ten right after. My pulse went up. I started to sweat.
I hate it that this incident messed up my life. I hate being like this. I hate the fact my happy places make me feel uncomfortable now. Why is it that one dude’s shitty choice of actions can ruin another person’s life - even if it’s just for a while?
My friend says I will be ok. That it will take a little. That I am traumatized. But I don’t want to be traumatized. I want to be good old happy, and carefree Anni again. Now. Please….
And that’s why I decided to grab my MacBook, and to sit down at the lake. All alone. And you know what? So far I’m good. I’m enjoying the sun, the sound of the lake, the fresh air, and even the little bugs currently wandering all over my laptop.
And no, I am not checking my surroundings non stop. I swear.