Hey. I am not even sure if someone is still reading my blog. But I thought I'd give an update.
I'm still here. I'm still alive. But so much has happened within the last year. I don't know where to start. Does anyone even care? It's my blog, so I use it as an outlet, just like I used to. So, where have I been?
TW: Suicide. Mental Health.
Life as I knew it and loved it came to an abrupt halt on 03/02/2022. It was a beautiful spring day. I've had a meeting at a local coffee shop. At one point I looked out of the window, and saw my boyfriend Justin drive by in his work truck...
...litte did I know it would be the last time I see him alive.
We were supposed to meet at his house during lunch. He had a doctor's appointment at 1pm, and I was supposed to pick up our puppy and drop him off.
After my meeting I went to my house first. The second I sat down, a feeling grew inside of me. Anxiety. I tried to call Justin. Twice. No answer. Panic came up. I don't even know why. I got back in the car, drove to his house. The second I pull up, his mom pulls up in her car as well. This never happened before.
We chat, said we were both a bot worried that he might miss his appointment. I open the garage. We can't find him. He's not in the house. I see the door that leads from the laundry room into the backyard is open... step outside... look to my left... and that's when I see him. Sitting in a chair. The gun on the ground. He's gone...
I run over to him. Hug him. Yell at him "Why?" and "Don't leave." Tell him I love him over and over again. But it's too late. About 20 minutes before we arrived, he decided to end his life. He lost a long battle with depression and anxiety. He had medical help. Therapy. A loving family. Myself. But it wasn't enough. The pain and darkness became too much.
Everything after is just a blur. My heart hurts every day. Never have I loved a man as much as I love(d) Justin.
It's been a little over a year now. I'm still on my healing journey. I miss him every day. Every minute. He was a good one.
If you are the praying kind of human, maybe pray for me. If you are not, send some positive vibes and strength my way.
I want to start using this blog, my little safe space on the internet, more often again. If you are still here, THANK YOU. And it can only go UP from here on out.
You will be stronger after the tragedy
ReplyDelete