This is going to be a different post again. I love the "Just Write" Tuesdays, cause they give me the chance to share my "other" thoughts... Stuff that touches my daily life.
I will share something really personal with you today, and I hope you won't judge me.
Somehow lately the news are full of celebrities committing suicide. And then the word "depression" pops up everywhere. Tony Scott, brother of Ridley Scott, jumped off a bridge. Silvia Seidel, one of my childhood stars, took a whole bunch of pills that lead to her lonely death after years of being lonely and forgotten. The well known german goal keeper Robert Enke drove his car in front of a train a while ago. These are the first few names I can think of right now, but I bet the list would be long if I just took some time...
Take a look around your own family/friends/colleagues. I bet most of you know at least one person who committed suicide.
Some of my dear readers might remember how proud I was when I decided to try to stop taking my pills.
I suffered from depression for several years. My history involves Prozac, Tavor, Lithium... I went through a lot when it came to finding the right meds.
After a while I thought "I'm ok again", so I told my doctor I wanted to start getting off the meds. It worked... For about 2 years.
These 2 years of thinking "I'm doing ok" ended this year. Early June.
Insomnia set in again as a first sign. I didn't see it. Didn´t want to see it? Then some nervous breakdowns when I got home from work, when I was crying and shaking without any reason. M didn't know me like that, but he was a great support... But love and support can't cure a depression.
Then there was this one night - I didn't really sleep for a couple of days. I was laying in bed, got so sick, had to throw up for hours, cried, shaking... I lost control. Over my whole body and mind.
The next day I made the decision to go to a doctor. He hooked me up with some emergency meds, told me to stay home for 3 weeks until I had an appointment at a neurologist.
These 3 weeks are actually just a blur in my memory... But I do remember my first appointment at this new neurologist. I was scared, cause I just went to doctors in my old hometown.
But this doc? He was awesome!! He took his time, doing a check up, asking me about my past - I was in there for one hour!
Since that day plus the new medication, my life is good again. I realize the difference so much! Right now I have to take 3 different meds. But I will go to just taking Prozac in a couple of weeks. I have to face the fact, that the chemistry in my head is just not working right. And it might never be. Depression is a disease! I have to face the fact that I will have to take pills for the rest of my life. But you know what? I'm ok with that! Cause I "work" again. I ENJOY again. I worry less.
But what has all this to do with the people who committed suicide? I am scared! I read and hear all these news. And I keep asking "Were these people taking their meds? What happened?". Could it just "happen"? No matter how good you try to live with the disease? Is it possible to loose the fight? HOW does that happen? WHY does that happen?
Questions.... A lot of questions.... Maybe only God has the answer.