How? Why?

I am depressive. I do have to take medicine every morning. I am medicated well. There are more good days than bad days. I feel strong. Most of the time. 
Today, the world has lost another great personality. The death of Robin Williams. It's all over the news right now. Word is, it was suicide. Since he was suffering severe depression.
A couple of weeks ago a former German soccer player commited suicide. Depressive as well. That makes me think. And it scares me. 
Is there a point, where no doctor and no medicine can help anymore?  Does it hit you out of nowhere?  What makes you give up?  Why does this happen? How does it happen?
It's days like today that really scare me.... It seems like there is nothing you can do. Is there?


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Random Thoughts on a Random Thursday

Hello there!

It's Thursday! Almost Friday, means: The well-deserved weekend is close! Hallelujah! Any fun plans?

Lately I have so much on my mind but I find it hard to put it in words. Do you know that feeling?
I will just list two of the things and try to let you look in to the maze of my thoughts:

1// Love grows!

M is away for 32 days now. Yes, I am counting ;o)! I miss him a lot, every day. But I love our hours and hours of Skype dates, when we talk and talk or even watch "The Amazing Race" together! By the way: He picked the doctor twins (baaaaad choice since they are out of the race already ;oD and I pickd the couple from SoCal (it's a bad sign that I don't remember their names yet).
The good part about having a long-distance-relationship for a few weeks is, that you really start missing your better half. Yes, even the stinky socks. The butterflies in my belly are multiplying and multiplying. I love him more and more, and I can't wait to visit Arkansas very very soon. by the way: Any bloggers around Texarkana/Camden, well, Arkansas and Texas round here reading? Let me know if you wanna meet up!

 

2// I can't stand hardliners. No matter which group they belong to!

I made the "mistake" to put a prayer request on one of the cards in my church. Why I call it a mistake?
I wrote down that I am suffering from a bad episode of depression right now and that I would be happy if my fellow church members would pray for me. No mistake so far.
But: One of the people from the intercessory prayer group tagged me in a picture-post about depression on Facebook, so now everyone on HER friendlist could see and read about my current suffering.
And then there came along some teenage hardline christians. And no, I don't mean that in a good way. So those little smartbutts battling each other about who is more saved by Christ and who is more blessed and why - not knowing ANYTHING about my disease, my life, and the long story of suffering I've been through so far, started smartbutting around about I should just stop taking my medication and put my depression into God's hands. Ummmm. Ok.
No! It is REALLY dangerous to just go ahead and throw away 3 different medications. I have tried to stop taking any meds for a couple of months, and then I fell deep... Really deep into a major episode of the worst case depressions ever.
FYI: I suffer from "endogenous depression" that hits you out of nowhere. No reason, no weather, nothing happens... It just appears and drowns you. That makes it so hard to handle, cause if you know something has happened and you are in risk of having another episode, you can do something about it, work against it!
I am christian. I LOVE God. I know prayers DO move mountains. I put my life in God's hands - but I also know when it is a good choice to trust in God's creations, aka human beings, who researched forever, being the best doctors you could wish for! And yes, medicine as well.
I wish I could share some of these stupid replies from Facebook on here. But I won't. Why spread the stupidity...?

I guess as long as there are people who think they can "pray the gay away", I understand other people being sceptical about me and other people being religious. But trust me: I have a God-given common sense. God gave me a brain to use it. And some people should try it, too.

This fits the whole situation pretty well: My fave quote of "The Prodigal God" ...

"If, like the elder brother, you believe that God ought to bless you and help you because you have worked so hard to obey him and be a good person, then Jesus may be your helper, your example, even your inspiration, but he is not your Savior. You are serving as your own Savior."

Meet Mrs M. // Meds talk

Migraine anyone? Is there anything worse than waking up in the morning with a hammering headache? And no booze the night before, just in case you are already judging ;o)

All the females in my family suffer from Migraine. I didn't until about 2 years ago, when I stopped the Depo Provera and now using the Nuva-Ring for birth control. Now I get a visit from "Mrs. M" (= family nickname for Migraine) at least twice a month. And I really don't like it.

What makes it worse for me is, that I am not allowed to take any Migraine meds, aka. Triptans , since I have to take 3 different anti-depressants every day. They don't get along well... Advil, Aspirine, Ibuprofen - won't work. Been there, done that.
So right now I'm sitting at the office with a Migraine. No other choice! My doc said, since I can't take Triptans, all I can do is praying for the Migraine to kick in on weekends, so I can lock myself up in a dark room, trying to find a pain-free position. But I guess my body has a different opinion about that. Looking at the screen hurts, my stomache is upset as well and I'm feeling dizzy. Oh what a day.

Maybe I should have stayed home, but working at a startup company, I know I am needed every day. So I am just trying to make it through this day.

Is there anyone elese out there with the same anti-depressant/Triptane issue? What do you guys do when a Migraine is trying to ruin your day?

Just Write // The other side of Anni

This is going to be a different post again. I love the "Just Write" Tuesdays, cause they give me the chance to share my "other" thoughts... Stuff that touches my daily life.
I will share something really personal with you today, and I hope you won't judge me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Somehow lately the news are full of celebrities committing suicide. And then the word "depression" pops up everywhere. Tony Scott, brother of Ridley Scott, jumped off a bridge. Silvia Seidel, one of my childhood stars, took a whole bunch of pills that lead to her lonely death after years of being lonely and forgotten. The well known german goal keeper Robert Enke drove his car in front of a train a while ago. These are the first few names I can think of right now, but I bet the list would be long if I just took some time...
Take a look around your own family/friends/colleagues. I bet most of you know at least one person who committed suicide.

Some of my dear readers might remember how proud I was when I decided to try to stop taking my pills.
I suffered from depression for several years. My history involves Prozac, Tavor, Lithium... I went through a lot when it came to finding the right meds.

After a while I thought "I'm ok again", so I told my doctor I wanted to start getting off the meds. It worked... For about 2 years.
These 2 years of thinking "I'm doing ok" ended this year. Early June.

Insomnia set in again as a first sign. I didn't see it. Didn´t want to see it? Then some nervous breakdowns when I got home from work, when I was crying and shaking without any reason. M didn't know me like that, but he was a great support... But love and support can't cure a depression.

Then there was this one night  - I didn't really sleep for a couple of days. I was laying in bed, got so sick, had to throw up for hours, cried, shaking... I lost control. Over my whole body and mind.
The next day I made the decision to go to a doctor. He hooked me up with some emergency meds, told me to stay home for 3 weeks until I had an appointment at a neurologist.

These 3 weeks are actually just a blur in my memory... But I do remember my first appointment at this new neurologist. I was scared, cause I just went to doctors in my old hometown.
But this doc? He was awesome!! He took his time, doing a check up, asking me about my past - I was in there for one hour!

Since that day plus the new medication, my life is good again. I realize the difference so much! Right now I have to take 3 different meds. But I will go to just taking Prozac in a couple of weeks. I have to face the fact, that the chemistry in my head is just not working right. And it might never be. Depression is a disease! I have to face the fact that I will have to take pills for the rest of my life. But you know what? I'm ok with that! Cause I "work" again. I ENJOY again. I worry less.

But what has all this to do with the people who committed suicide? I am scared! I read and hear all these news. And I keep asking "Were these people taking their meds? What happened?". Could it just "happen"? No matter how good you try to live with the disease? Is it possible to loose the fight? HOW does that happen? WHY does that happen?

Questions.... A lot of questions.... Maybe only God has the answer.

Up and down

Today I want to share some pics of the bike trips I took! The first few days of May were really hot and sunny, so I enjoyed as much time outside as possible.

My mood is pretty bad lately. Ups and bad downs. It changes within a minute. Hard to control!

I try to put as many outdoor activities as possible into my daily schedule. I think it helps! Or I hope...